I have helped countless individuals and couples that have struggled with the effects of co-dependency on their relationships. It is so common in my practice that I often hear, "Jen, why weren't we taught this when we were kids?"
Unfortunately, many of us grew up in situations that were less than ideal when it came down to observing and learning how to care for ourselves and be healthy in relationships. My goal with this post is to educate you on some common warning signs of Co-Dependency in relationships. With education, identification, and guidance, Co-Dependency is reversible and improvement in your personal life and relationships is very possible. For more information and help, see the resources at the end of the post.
What is Co-Dependency?
The history, nature, and more-recent controversy about Co-Dependency are beyond the scope of this post. However, it is important to highlight a few thoughts about its evolution over time and what we know to be true today:
The concept of Co-Dependency was originally identified and addressed as unhealthy relationship traits that developed among people and families with chemical dependencies;
Regardless of how people use the term, Co-Dependency is NOT a psychological diagnosis, but rather a way to describe inequities in relationships that develop for many reasons;
It is largely accepted that Co-Dependency traits that manifest in adulthood begin in childhood, often as a result of trauma or growing up in a home where emotions are unvalued, ignored, or punished (either intentionally or unintentionally).
Not everyone who develops Co-Dependency was raised in an unhealthy or unsafe environment. Similarly, the characteristics of Co-Dependency are now understood to also apply to people without a history of addiction or trauma.
People who struggle with Co-Dependency often report struggling with shame, low self-esteem, and believing caring for others' needs is more important than caring for their own.
Five Warning Signs Your Relationship May Be Affected by Co-Dependency
If you have read this far, then you have probably started to imagine how some of the traits described above can quickly lead to people feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or helpless in their relationships. Hang in there. You are in the right place to have a shot of hope infused into your relationship! The list below is not exhaustive. However, it will help you better understand some common warning signs.
1. Your Focus is Always on your Partner
The key word here is "always." If your focus is always on what your partner is doing, saying, or thinking then that leaves you vulnerable and uncared for. An often tell-tale sign of this would be difficulty or inability to identify your thoughts, feelings, or needs, as this would suggest you are likely overly focused on your partner to the determinant of your own well-being.
Truth: A key to healthy relationships is to never lose sight of yourself when in relationship. There is nobody that can take care of you like you can. The best relationships are possible when both partners care for themselves well. Losing sight of yourself, which includes your identity, feelings, needs, and safety not only lead to a lack of well-being but can lead to harm.
2. You Often Show Up in Your Relationship in Ways You Don't Like
People who struggle with Co-Dependency in their relationships often report feeling more reactive than responsive in their relationships. I have had clients say they feel like a five-year old when they fight with their partner, which makes sense because it is typically at a young age we develop unhealthy ways of reacting because we didn't know how to take care of what was hurting us. As adults, whether knowingly or unknowingly, when we abdicate our responsibility to take care of ourselves in different facets of life (thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings) to our partner, we often become disgruntled because, again, nobody -- regardless of how much they may want to -- can take care of us better than we can take care of ourselves. For those who do not know what that looks or feels like, they often report it feels like their partner doesn't care about them.
Truth: Somewhere along the way, we were either intentionally taught or misled to believe that when we are in relationship it is the other person's job/responsibility to take care of us. There is a big difference between caring about someone else and taking care of them. Caring about others allows them the freedom to care for themselves in the manner they deem appropriate. It also frees us up to do the same. Being free of the expectations of others or the tendency to parent other adults gives us the best chance to show up as the people we want to be. Dare I say, we become free to show up as the people we originally fell for in the first place! The great news is, those people are often still there, they just need some direction to find their way back to the surface again.
3. You Find Yourself Waiting for your Partner to Change to Feel Better
This sign is a little more difficult to identify in ourselves because most of us tend not to recognize it until it is pointed out. If you look to your partner to change behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, longings, etc. to feel better either personally or relationally, there is a disconnect there that sets up your relationship to struggle or even fail. In my practice, this sometimes shows up as comments such as, "if she wasn't such a nag, we would be fine" or "if I didn't have to be the one to do everything at home, maybe I would want to be intimate more." The hard reality here is that it is not about the nagging or the amount of dishes being done, it is about the underlying needs, feelings, and expectations that are not being tended to that leave partners feeling hopeless and in a repetitive cycle that goes nowhere but down.
Truth: All of us can fall into these unhealthy tendencies, at times. It is indicative of a more Co-Dependent process when this is prominent in your relationship. If you find yourself consistently stirred up and uncared for because your partner hasn't or won't change, it is a sign that you could benefit from help identifying some potential blind spots. You can learn what it means to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, and still care about your partner.
4. The Thought of Caring for Yourself Feels Selfish
This is often a difficult conversation with people who struggle with Co-Dependency. The difficulty likely stems from the fact that Co-Dependent traits begin in childhood often due to some level of emotional neglect, either intentional or unintentional. Because of these childhood experiences, we can develop beliefs that our needs are not as important as others. We can also leave childhood believing that the only way to get affection from others is to earn it through caring for them.
Truth: Caring for yourself is neither unselfish nor uncaring. It is the first step to establishing and maintaining your identity and agency as an individual. If you feel this way or have been told you are selfish for expressing or caring for yourself, it can be life and relationship changing to find out that is not true. You are valuable and caring for yourself suggests respect and understanding that your value is equal to that of others!
5. You Have Lost Sight of Who You Are
Another common warning sign that you may be affected by Co-Dependency, especially in relationships, is coming to the point that you realize you no longer know who you are. Or, another way to look at it is that it becomes difficult to know where you end and your partner begins. Everything you think, feel, and do is connected to your partner, which can leave you feeling what some describe as "suffocated" or even "invisible." In unhealthy relationships, the personal boundaries become non-existent and everything centers around the relationship itself. The individuals lose definition and value, at the expense of an often unhappy relationship.
Truth: People who grow up in emotionally neglectful environments do not often have the opportunity to explore, pursue, and develop their identity in the same way as people raised in healthy environments and relationships. When identity formation is disrupted, people can define themselves in relation to another person and/or role. When the relationship or the role ceases or changes, this can create an identity crisis. Similar to other things discussed in this post, this is not a life sentence. If you struggle with this, you can change this beginning today
I hope this article shed light on some of the aspects of Co-Dependency that can show up in our relationships. My hope is this inspires you toward greater self-acceptance and motivation to pursue healthy and loving relationships with yourselves and others. You deserve that and it is possible!
Next Steps:
1. If you have questions about Co-Dependency and relationships, leave those in the comments below.
2. If you are interested in exploring this more in depth in counseling, contact me online to schedule a time to chat.
3. Check out some of the self-help books listed below. This is not an exhaustive list, but they are great resources!
4. Check out a Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) support group online or in person. Information available at CoDA.Org
Books:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Melody Beattie.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Yourself. Lysa TerKeurst.
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